


Tokimeki ga Yamanai (My heartbeat won't stop)

by vogue91



Category: Hey! Say! JUMP, Johnny's Entertainment
Genre: Confrontations, Friendship, Hurt, M/M, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-03
Updated: 2018-05-03
Packaged: 2019-05-01 15:04:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,961
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14523243
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vogue91/pseuds/vogue91
Summary: “You know it better than me, Kei, it’s a lesson I’ve tried to teach him for too long, and I’ve never succeeded. He can hate what I do to him, but he can’t hate me.”





	Tokimeki ga Yamanai (My heartbeat won't stop)

Holding each other’s hands. A casual brush, instinctive.

Kei hated it.

When they were all together, it was like there was a void surrounding Yabu and Hikaru. They were in a world belonging to them only, where only them could be, incomprehensible to all the others.

Kei, sometimes, hated _them_.

He hated not being a part of that happiness. He hated those complicit gazes, as if they shared something that no one else knew.

And he refused to think that it actually was like that.

They hadn’t been together long; not too long at least, for the years they had known each other.

He had shared half of his life with them, especially with the elder, always listening to him rant about Hikaru, what they did together, how much he liked him.

Always offering him his shoulder when he wanted to cry.

Always soothing him when things didn’t go his way, when Yaotome didn’t seem to reciprocate what he felt.

And looking at him now, Kota seemed to have forgotten all of those tears.

He had his smiles now. He had found his happiness in Hikaru, the reward at the end of an obstacle course.

And there had been endless of those.

There had been rejections, some clear and some veiled, there had been Hikaru pushing him away when he got too close and there had been his words, too often hurting him.

Kei knew _every damn thing._

He knew so much that he wondered how it had gotten to this.

He wondered what had changed, why Hikaru had changed his mind, why he seemed to want to be with Kota now, because Inoo knew all too well that love doesn’t grow overnight.

He had experimented that first hand, and he despised the feeling they seemed to share, which had his foundation only on one part of it.

He had fought not to tell Kota. He had fought to keep quiet. To keep smiling, like he had always done.

And the facts had proven that years had made him a master in showing the face more convenient to him.

 

_“Kei-chan...” Yabu had come to his apartment, without telling him he was arriving._

_He hadn’t worried, it wasn’t the first time. Even less he could’ve thought there was something wrong, seen the bright smile on the other’s face._

_“Ko... what’s happened?” he had asked, raising an eyebrow._

_“Hikaru and I. Well, he asked me...” the other had murmured, his voice low as if it was a secret, as if saying it out loud could’ve woken him up from what, Kei was sure, was a dream for him._

Inoo had smiled, as fake as ever.

He had told him he was happy for them, and he was far from it.

He had asked him to tell him what had happened, but he didn’t want to listen.

He had hurt himself for almost two hours, until the other had grown tired of talking, of showing him how damn happy he was, of telling him how long he had been waiting for something like that to happen.

And Kei had kept quiet the thousand thoughts going through his mind.

He hadn’t asked the reason behind that sudden change of heart from Hikaru, what had brought him closer, if he hadn’t thought that during all those years the younger had given clear, and often too straightforward, proofs that he didn’t love him.

But it was pointless to talk with a man who had realized a desire kept inside for so long.

It was pointless to speak with someone in love.

Because between the two of them, Kei had always thought he was the one building castles in the air, seeing Yabu as the rational one, practical, confident.

But there was no mind or reason holding the heart, and he had learnt that the hard way.

And now he watched.

He watched Yabu smile every damn day as he was the happiest man on heart, watched Hikaru and kept wondering if there actually was in his eyes all the love he professed.

Because Kei couldn’t see it, nor he justified Hikaru’s actions.

Too many times since they had known each other he had wanted to hurt him, for every single tear spilled by Kota, for every time he had taken his smile away from him, for every scar the elder had on him.

And he never had.

He had kept his rage inside, turning it into bitterness, then hatred.

And now he had reached his limit.

He was confident. He knew what he could and couldn’t do, he was aware of his flaws and hit qualities.

And he could doubt of everything, except one thing.

He had always been next to Kota. He had given him all himself, never asking for something in return save some serenity on his face.

He had been close to him when he had felt abandoned, he had seen parts of him no one could imagine, and that he wished he hadn’t seen.

And he deserved to love him way more than Hikaru did.

He had to do something, he w _anted_ to do something.

Because he knew Kota was going to end up burnt, because that’s what had always happened; and he wasn’t going to stand it, not again.

He had let Hikaru play with his heart far too long, and if Kota didn’t want to open his eyes, then he would’ve done it for him.

 

~

 

He was sitting on the couch at Hikaru’s place.

Ringing the doorbell he had crossed his fingers, praying to all the gods he knew for Kota not to be there.

He had been lucky.

The younger had gone to the door, putting on a diffident expression when he had seen him, but had let him in anyway.

Now he was staring, as if to understand what he was thinking just by looking at him.

Kei took a deep breath, then started talking.

“What’s your plan, Hikaru?” he asked, his calm voice clashing with his actual state of mind.

He wanted to be straightforward, because he was tired of beating around the bush.

The look on Yaotome’s face became mocking. He turned a corner of his mouth up and shrugged.

“What do you mean?” he asked, faking without much effort to sound innocent.

“With Yabu.” the elder hissed, his voice now wavering.

Hikaru’s smile grew, likely aware of how much it irritated Kei.

“What do you mean what’s my plan? We’re together, isn’t that enough?”

Kei took a deep breath.

He didn’t like to be messed with.

Not like that, not from him.

“Why now, Hikaru? Why now, after he’s been after you for all these years without you showing no mercy for what he felt for you? When you’ve always slammed the door in his face every chance you’ve gotten?” he said, without caring to weight his words anymore.

The smile on the other’s face disappeared.

He stood up, crossing his arms and leaning against the wall, never tearing his eyes off of him.

“I’d answer ‘because’, Kei, and we both know you’d have to do with it, because what happens between me and Yabu it’s just our business.” he cleared his throat, trying to soften the irritation in his voice. “You worry so much about him, and for what? He’s happy, I think.” he pointed out, shrugging.

“Of course he’s happy. He loves you, that’s why he’s happy. What I’m asking is if you love him as well. What I’m asking.” he paused, briefly closing his eyes. When he opened them back, he looked more resolved. “What I’m asking is how long it’ll take to turn that happiness back into a nightmare.” he said, feeling his blood rush to his head, feeling incapable of keeping in check the hatred Hikaru’s mere presence made him feel.

He hadn’t felt that in a while, but the instinct of hurting him, of taking that smug look off his face, took again control of him.

He tried to hold back, and barely managed that.

“Of course I love him. Or I wouldn’t be with him.” the younger replied, mechanically.

“Do you love him or did you learn how to?”

Yaotome pulled away from the wall, opening his arms exasperated.

“What do you want me to say, Kei? Every answer I give is the wrong one. Want to convince yourself I don’t love him? Fine, if that’s what you want to hear: I don’t love him, not as much as he loves me. Want to know why I’m with him? Because after years spent saying no you start wondering if you’re actually missing out on something and you cave. You say I’ve always hurt him... but still, he was there when I wanted him, he was always next to me, he came back even when I was the one chasing him away. He’s always been there, whether you like it or not. And if this time I’ve decided to take him, you don’t get a say in it.” he said. The sharp voice and those words echoed through Kei’s mind.

He slowly got up, trying to keep his self-control. He got closer to him, his fist clenched and his nails sunk in his palms.

He replied just when he was a few inches from him, while the other’s expression was still challenging.

“You have no right of doing this to him. You have no right of hurting him again, you’ve played enough with him. He comes back because he can’t help loving you.” he wavered while pronouncing those words, but tried to make a quick recover. “You can’t take advantage of his weakness and mess with him.”

Hikaru lowered his eyes and made a sarcastic sound, then with a quick movement he grabbed his collar and sent his with his back against the wall, their faces close.

“Do you really enjoy being the good Samaritan, even when we both know that what you want is not for Kota to be happy? Come on, Kei, let’s not kid ourselves. You don’t give a damn that I make him suffer, you just want him to choose you instead of me.” he said, hissing.

Inoo bit his lip, unable to reply, so the younger felt authorized to go on. “How many years have you spent wanting him? How long have you kept chasing me while he chased after me, never telling him once what you felt? Because you knew there was never going to be anything between the two of you, not until he kept loving me. You just want me to strike the mortal blow, to break him into pieces so that you can collect them and make them yours.” he made a half laugh, spiteful. “That’s the difference between you and I, Kei. You love Kota much more than I ever could, but you undergo that love, while I can live it. And it drives you crazy, doesn’t it? Because he comes to you crying and smiles with me, and you wish you could make him smile too, when you know you can’t.” he said, keeping the pressure on the elder’s trachea.

Inoo grabbed his wrist, forcing him to let him go.

He could barely breath, and he didn’t know whether it was because of Hikaru’s hold or for what he had said.

He didn’t even know if it was true.

It was true he wanted Kota. It was true he loved him and underwent that love, since forever.

He couldn’t know if he had it truly in his heart to hope for Hikaru to hurt him another time, so that he could’ve taken his place back next to him, still offering him a shoulder to cry on.

The one that was never going to be enough for Yabu.

He raised his eyes on the younger, suddenly without anger anymore.

Just sadness.

“You don’t know what it means to love someone like I love Kota and like he loves you. You have no right to talk to me like this, because I may also want him for myself, without desiring for you to hurt him.” he protested, with too little confidence to actually convince Hikaru.

The latter looked at him once again, with that haughty look of who’s sure he’s won.

“No, Kei. It’s you who doesn’t have the right to be here now telling me I have no right to hurt him. He gave me that right. He loves me, and that’s true, but he’s not so blind not to know what he risks by being with me.” he sighed. “He’s not forgotten what I’ve done to him. He’s just decided to put it aside and enjoy this happiness, accepting that it may not last forever.” he explained, calmer. “He’s at peace and he accepts whatever comes, which you can’t do.” he frowned. “Tell me, what would you do if we were to break up and he’d come to your door? Would you settle, even knowing it’s me he loves, even knowing that you’d be a rebound?” Inoo didn’t reply, and Hikaru chuckled. “You would. You’d settle, just like he’s doing.”

“I love him.” Kei said, clenching his teeth, each word sharp as a stab in his heart. “I’d settle because having him close would be enough. I’d settle because I’d know I deserve being with him more than you do. You can’t...” the younger interrupted him.

“I can’t understand, I know. You’ve said that already. I can’t understand because there’s no one I love with such intensity. And you know what, Kei? I’m glad I don’t, because not you nor him have any concept of pride or dignity anymore.” he attacked him, his voice loud again. “You say you love him so much... fine. Then try and understand he can’t be happy at your conditions. That he can’t be happy just because there’s someone loving him as much as you do. Kota will be completely happy just when he’s going to be with someone he loves and who loves him back, and neither of us meet both the requirements, Kei.” he went on, then he sighed. “Now leave, please. It was pointless for you to come here, because there’s no solution to the problem.” he murmured. “You’ll never be happy because Kota will ever love you like he loves me, he will never be happy because I’ll never love him like he loves me. And in the end, I’ll be the only one getting out of it unscathed.” he said, without meaning to sound conceited. “I wish I could tell you to stop loving him, and that’s what I’d advise to him as well, but you’re both so entangled in this damn feeling that you don’t even realize how much is consuming you.” he said, then went to the door and opened it, remarking the invitation to leave.

Inoo followed him, looking intently at him.

“I’d advise him the same. I just hope...” he swallowed, holding the doorframe, looking as if he didn’t want to leave with that feeling of defeat. “I hope you’ll manage to teach him how to hate you, once and for all.”

Hikaru smiled, sadly.

“You know it better than me, Kei, it’s a lesson I’ve tried to teach him for too long, and I’ve never succeeded. He can hate what I do to him, but he can’t hate me.”

Inoo went out.

He didn’t reply, he didn’t look at him.

He went to the building’s front door quickly, feeling suffocating all of a sudden.

He felt he had never hated someone as much as he hated Hikaru right now.

And he hated him because he was right.

Because as much as he didn’t want to admit it, things were never going to change.

Because Yabu and him would’ve kept running on two parallel lines, never meeting each other.

Because Kota would’ve never loved him, whatever the circumstances, just like Hikaru would’ve never loved him.

Forgetting him, forgetting how he felt for him... right now looked just like a dream.

And he knew it was never going to be real, because that love had taken roots inside of him, it was like a shadow on his step, never managing to become concrete.

Hikaru was right, and for that he hated him.

That love had ruined him, had taken self-esteem and dignity away from him.

There wasn’t an Inoo Kei anymore, there was just the shell of a boy spending his whole existence waiting for something that was never going to come, living for someone else’s gestures, gestures that were never for him.

He didn’t want to go on this way. He didn’t want to keep walking down that road, waiting eternally for Yabu to show him that part of himself that was never going to belong to him.

At some point he should’ve realized that people could be in his heart, but not in his life.

He would’ve never stopped loving him, because his heart had always belonged to him.

He would’ve resigned, instead, because he still had a life, it was all he had left, and he didn’t want a dream to take that away as well.

In his mind, he bid his goodbye to Kota.

It hurt. As if someone had died, as if he was mourning, as if he wouldn’t have been able to see him again, still always being around him.

And, together with him, he bid goodbye to that part of himself, dead with the Inoo Kei that had always fought for that love.

He felt his face getting wet, and started crying without even realizing it.

He cried that death, because he didn’t know how he would’ve lived from now on.

Hikaru was right.

He loved and wasn’t loved back.

He was never going to know true happiness.


End file.
